THE UPWARD SPIRAL OF ABUSE

Abuse is never random even when the victim feels like a particular episode may have come completely out of the blue.  Many therapists talk of the cycle of abuse which is sometimes called the cycle of violence.  This attempts to illustrate common patterns of abusive behaviour in relationships and help the victim to anticipate and stay safe in an abusive relationship.   

It also helps provide clues toward a deeper understanding of why people experiencing abuse often find it difficult to break free. 

With my experience of working with victims of abuse I find the word cycle, a misnomer and prefer to call it an upward spiral, like a winding staircase.  The reason I make this statement is that the abuse never eases up or becomes less damaging, but instead descends into greater violence every time it occurs. 

The spiral goes something like this:

1. TENSIONS BUILD

Abusive partners often explode or lash out in response to almost any external stressors.  Such as a minor family issue trouble at work, physical illness or just being tired.  I am sure if you are reading this you can come up with plenty of other so called causes.

Frustration and dissatisfaction intensify over time, often prompting feelings of anger, aggression and paranoia. 

It is easy to sense the rising tension, you might try to find ways to placate the abusive partner and prevent abuse from happening. 

You will feel anxious and, on your guard, and hyperalert to the coming storm.  You might alternate between tiptoeing around them, trying not to set them off and making an extra effort to provide physical and emotional support.   Even egg shells crack under foot so the storm will arrive, you are likely to have just delayed it a little and made it grow even bigger. 

2. INCIDENT OF ABUSE OR VIOLENCE

The abuser eventually releases this tension on others, attempting to regain power by establishing control. 

Abuse might involve:

  • Insults, name-calling and belittling

  • Threats of harm or property destruction

  • Coercive attempts to control your behaviour

  • Sexual or physical violence

  • Emotional manipulation

It is likely that the abuse will be blamed on the victim for creating the tension in the first place.  

REMEMBER.  Abuse never gets less; it always ramps up.

REMEMBER.  Whatever the abuse is, it will escalate and change to different things becoming more violent every time it happens.  A tirade of abusive words will become a punch on the wall or door which will ultimately become your face.  

3. RECONCILIATION

Early on in the relationship, after the incident of abuse, tension gradually begins to fade.  In an attempt to move past the abuse, the abuser often uses kindness, gifts and loving gestures to usher you back into the honeymoon phase. 

This behaviour can trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin, helping you feel even more closely bonded and leading you to believe you have your real relationship back.  It really is a fantasy but you keep buying into it.  

As the relationship matures, the gap between the abuse incidents shortens and then disappears altogether.  Then you are living in hell…

4. CALM

To maintain the appearance of peace, the abuser will generally coerce the victim to come up with some sort of explanation or justification for the abuse. 

The abusive partner might:

  • Deny it happened

  • Accuse you of provoking them

  • Apologise but blame someone else

  • point to outside provocation

They might show some remorse, assure you it will never happen again and seem more attentive to your needs than usual.  You might begin to accept their excuses and even doubt your memory of the abuse.  Maybe it really was nothing, like they said. 

You allowing this reprieve offers you relief from the physical and emotional tension and pain. 

You might feel certain that whatever upset them and triggered the abuse has passed. You will not believe they would do anything like that again.  This is a mistake!

Recycle, Escalate and Repeat 

This cycle then repeats over time, getting more vicious and violent every time.  The gap of relative calm shortens over time as the abuse escalates. 

BE AWARE...  As time goes on, the calm period may become very short and even disappear from the cycle entirely.